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“Her name was Kara Kyles. And she’s the reason I’m here in this fine town of Ferryville,” I toasted to the man behind the bar in The Cerberus. “And she wasn’t the most beautiful, at first. But then you see her smile. Then she laughs. Then she giggles. Then she makes fun of you. And this, and that. And sooner or later. You realize the girl with what might be the biggest heart you’ve ever seen, just might be the most adorable thing to walk the face of this gods damned Earth.”
I finished my beer and slid it towards the bartender “And that’s the worst part. That’s the worst fucking thing ever. We walked for several days. Nearly a week. It was incredible, it really was. I could tell she liked me by the end of it. And I understand she’s dealing with a lot of stuff right now,” at that point in my explanation I had to mumble because I can’t reveal the finer details of her journey. It would compromise her whole family.
“So she’s not in the mood for a relationship, so it doesn’t make sense for me to throw my life away and hop on a boat with her. But what am I here for? Why am I doing any of this if not for someone like her. Right? Not… Not that I don’t like doing the right thing. But it doesn’t make sense for me to not go chasing after her. I can’t know if she’s the love of my life in a few days, but I also can’t know if she’s not the love of my life in a few days. You gotta take risks sometimes. All the things I do, I do to be worthy of a girl like her.”
The bartender finally interrupted my tirade. “What do you do again?”
“My friends and I kill people. Like a lot.”
He tossed me another drink, but insisted that was my last one. It was pretty watered down, and I thought about complaining, but I was growing tired of complaining. I’d just explained the same story like 10 times in the last hour to several people in The Cerberus.
Of course I was a total professional during the entirety of the escort mission. We were hired because Kara and her younger brother Kalin had made their way from South Kayos all the way to Grumbsy. Unfortunately, the few of their guards that had survived the journey decided to hop on the first boat ride back to Eurome. The Kyles were on an adventure to Norrgard and had a bit too many enemies in Eurome to run the risk of going back just yet.
There wasn’t a whole lot of action on the mission. Syrielle slaughtered a group of orcs bandits trying to rob us. I fought one of them, but he was wearing full plate armor. I couldn’t do anything about it. Syrielle beat him up and let him go afterwards as a reward for defeating me. Showing a great eagerness for the young warrior to grow stronger one day and challenge her. She’d been pretty unstable lately.
After having our asses handed to us by Him, things were extremely tense and uncomfortable around Grumbsy. There really hadn’t been much call to adventure for about a month so I was quick to jump at any opportunity we could get.
I had no intentions towards Kara when I agreed to the mission. Considering I hadn’t met her yet, Syrielle was the one who organized the whole thing. My intentions did begin almost immediately upon meeting her.
She was a gem. The best. But, “Now just wasn’t the right time.”
Is that true? A part of me feels like she spoke honestly when she said it. The other part of me believes if it were meant to be it would have been. The rest of me remembers that she’s a woman and they’re not always smart enough to realize a good thing that’s standing right in front of them. I hate to be sexist but, ask any couple how they got together…
After finishing that drink, I started babbling again before someone suddenly placed their hand on my shoulder. The first thing I saw was her green eyes, then her annoyed smile. Her blond hair fell to her shoulders, of what appeared to be the perfect figure.
“Okay look buddy, you’re adorable, and I’m really a sucker for the whole lonely hopeless romantic thing, but you’re really starting to cross the threshold into creepy.” Her hand gently caressed my shoulder. “So I’m gonna go take care of some private business for a moment. You’re not the only one putting liquid in you. Why don’t you take a breath and try to say less stupid things when I come back ? A few stupid things is cute, but just make it a little less.”
The whole time she sounded like a stern professional, and then she giggled flirtatiously upon the conclusion of her speech. Almost embarrassed by what she said.
I stumbled for a moment. The last thing I wanted to do was give this woman any kind of power over me. Being a jerk is always bad, but you can’t just let them boss you around otherwise they’ll walk all over you. “Yeah whatever you say.”
She sauntered away and I wasn’t the only one watching her as she went. Not that I noticed anybody else, but the bartender pointed it out immediately.
I just had to ask, “Who the hell is she?”
“Never seen her before. I only know like half the people in the bar tonight,” He replied with a laugh. “Been a good day so far.” His eyes looked out the window, “Probably thanks to that glowing bastard over there.”
Having had bad luck with full moons I wasn’t as excited about the situation as he was.
“So you got anything that can sober me up really quick?”
“Nothing cheap,” He told me.
As whiny as I could muster I bellowed, “What?”
“This is not Bro-land, bitch,” He smacked his hands on the table. “This is Kayos. And when a damsel like that comes in for someone else, those boys pay a price.”
I bought a golden apple for gold. Which was an absurd price, and it didn’t even sober me up at all. It was barely better than coffee if I’m being perfectly honest. This dude probably tried to do magic himself in his backyard and didn’t know what the fuck he was doing.
He knew how to get in my wallet though. Crafty bastard.
When she returned, a combination of adrenaline, pure will, and a small dash of the effects of the golden apple, brought this ever so spinning world to a slight stillness just for me.
“Hello,” Her hand was in the appropriate position for an official introduction. She had the softest skin I think I ever felt, yet her grip was still firm. “My name is Tali, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Elrin Daun, and the honor is truly all mine,” I replied in awe as she sat in the stool next to mine. “Sorry you had to hear all of that. I’ve just… I’ve been through a lot lately with all of my adventures and… I don’t know where I was going with this excuse I was just gonna start whining again.”
“Well I do understand,” Tali placed her hand on mine. “Do you know how many times I’ve seen a man and woman meet, and for lack of a less on the nose term fall in love, but it’s just not the right time for her? That’s happened like half the time I’ve seen people fall in love.”
“Right…” I literally threw a boxing combo in the air with excitement. “Like I don’t want to say it but…”
“Women are fucking stupid,” She just said the words like she’s been wanting to say them for years. “Why do they think you guys are so pushy? It’s because we’re dumb.”
Roughly a million things popped into my head. None were acceptable thoughts. “Okay, We’re getting into weird territory and I’m definitely gonna say something bad if we keep going.”
“Smart,” She nodded. “I could see it in your eyes you were gonna fuck this up.”
A part of me felt like I was dreaming. Who was this woman? Could she be some sort of illusion? I was growing to believe that there was some sort of trickster fae in the area casting an illusion upon me.
“So where are you from? You don’t look native.” I asked.
“Eurome, like yourself,” It was pretty obvious by the look of her but I had to make a conversation. Plus I was hoping she’d give more details for me to ask more questions. Which she did. “Came over a few years ago with my family. Now they’re gone and I am wandering around trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing here or anywhere.”
“I’m so sorry,” For once I didn’t feel fake while saying it. Probably because I was so confident something was going to happen that there was no voice in the back of my head telling me all of my intentions were impure. I was able to just talk to her like a person. It was amazing.
“We’ve all lost someone,” She pointed at the sword on my hip. “I’m sure many have said that because of you.”
“Not too many,” I admitted. “And I really only kill buttheads so they might not have a lot of friends to talk about them afterwards.”
With great sincerity she replied. “Well thank you for killing all the buttheads. You are doing a wonderful service to Kayos.” The shit eating grin that followed nearly melted me right there. “Is it the life you always wanted? The sword?”
“Nobody’s ever asked me that…” I pondered a question I always prepared for. “I guess. What little boy didn’t dream of being a warrior. It’s only the sane ones that grow out of that dream.” I pulled my notebook out of my pocket and opened it up. “My dream has always been to write. I’m a storyteller. But some say I’m not that good.”
Tali took it from my hand without asking and blasted through the first few pages. “I mean you’re funny.” As she kept going she was nodding more and more. “Yeah I mean… You’re definitely unique. But… Who says you’re bad? You’re bad at things?” She pointed at a specific spot, “That’s not what ‘unprecedented’ means.”
“That’s a rough draft,” I whined. “I was flowing. In the zone. I don’t know what all the words are when I’m like that.” My tone was rather sassy, and for a second I was self conscious, but her smile relaxed me in an instant.
“Words are hard sometimes,” She continued to examine the pages. “I understand.”
“I’m glad you can read,” I told her with relief. “Most people around these parts don’t have any idea what I’m doing there. Some of my friends said that I was just a really bad drawer. Though Vergusson doesn’t really know what a lot of things are and Glish is just a bad friend.”
“That’s too bad,” Her eyes didn’t leave the pages. “You’re talented. Sloppy, but fun.”
“Thanks.”
Tali handed me the notebook back, and our server finally came to take her food order. She ate far more than a woman with her figure usually would.
“You in town alone?” I asked before realizing that might be a creepy question.
“I…” She kinda shrugged as she thought. “Made friends with some people.” From the way she said it, it felt like she wasn’t really sure if they were friends. I could relate to that.
“Yeah I know the feeling,” When she looked at me I explained, “I’ve been running around with a pack of psychos since I got here. Best few months of my life.”
It wasn’t quite the best few months of her life. She told me more of her story, where she was from and how she got here. She prefaced her story by explaining it was a rather boring tale, and it was, but she had such a knack for storytelling.
The details weren’t what interested me. It was the silly little comments she’d make.
When she was done, I explained more about where I came from. It was obvious her personality wasn’t easily impressed, and she didn’t want to show when she was, but she was with me.
We sat for several hours just talking. The whole time carrying the same chemistry we held from the very beginning. It was like nothing I said bothered her, and every little quip entertained her. And I felt the same. Not that it took much.
Long before nightfall, she leaned over and said, “Do you just… Wanna… Now?”
“I’m just… not sure it’s the right time…”
We were out the door before I finished the joke. Prancing our way across the street to the small barn just outside of town she was staying at. I was about to ask if the owners knew she was there, but got distracted looking at her butt and forgot about the question.
As she slid the door open, I grabbed her by the hand to pull her in and finally kiss her. That’s when something hit me on the head. I was fairly confident before I saw it that it was a frying pan. It hit me again and again and I’m guessing a few more times after that.
When I woke up, my hands were tied behind my back. Tali, if that was her name, was standing next to two men. As the blurriness faded, I could see one had long brown hair and a large scar on his left cheek, while the other was bald and missing several teeth.
“You sure he’s right for it?” The man with the scar asked.
“Of course,” Tali explained. “He’s a traveling warrior.”
“He doesn’t look like much,” The one with only some teeth criticized.
“Yeah but he’s honest,” She looked me up and down. “I could tell. If we wanna get the ritual done tonight he’s our man. Nobody in town knows him. Quick and easy.”
“Sounds complicated,” I announced. “I mean have you really thought it through?” If you couldn’t guess, I really didn’t know where I was going with the ramble. “I feel like you’re better off with someone else. You know a better warrior than me. I’m not even that good.”
“We aren’t looking for a master. We’re looking for average.”
“And I suckity suck.”
“You told me your stories,” She knelt down so we were eye level. “You wanna tell me now, that I misread you and that you’re a liar.”
“Yeah…”
“You’re not very good at lying.”
“Unless I’m really good at it?” Suddenly I knew where I was going. “I mean spotting a lie is just spotting anxiety. If you haven’t figured it out, this scenario has me rather anxious. The truth is I’m an actor.” Despite arguing I was anxious, I was carrying incredible confidence. Pretty much outside of lying about the fact that I was lying, I’ve done a pretty good job lying. “I made the whole thing up. I’ve gotten into a few fights in my day, and I’ve lost most.” It makes it easier to slip in a few honest parts here and there. Though that description also applies to what I’ve already told her.
“He ain’t a killer,” The Scar man said. “You got the wrong one. Cut his throat now.”
She pulled out a knife prompting me to just burst into incoherency “I’m a killer. I’ve been killed. Lot’s of bad guys on this continent and I fucked them all…” I lost control of my words at the end, I was really starting to panic.
“We aren’t looking for that type of slayer,” She tilted her head and looked me up and down. “It’s a damned shame though. Probably should have taken two other men at the bar and celebrated with you later. Poor decision on my part. There’s not much else to feel good about around here.”
There was much rage in my heart. Instead of yelling I calmly but firmly asked, “Is torture a part of the ritual? Because if not, than this shit is fucking personal.”
“Of course it’s personal slayer,” She giggled flirtatiously, “Compliments are best when they’re personal. Just relax and take the compliment for what it is.”
“I didn’t actually slay though,” I reminded her angrily. “I could give a fuck about my ego.”
Her face scrunched, “What?”
“Women slay by being wanted, men don’t care about being wanted, they want things and the slayers are the ones who get what they want.”
“Boss,” Scar said. “I think he wants a blowjob.”
“Yo he definitely does,” Toothless added.
She put her fingers frustratedly to her nose, “Why would I not know that he wants a blowjob? He obviously wants a blowjob.”
When they didn’t answer she ordered them to stay in the barn and keep an eye on me. Then she left to get another warrior. Though she used the word killer. But I don’t really like that word. All of the people I killed were like, gonna rape or eat someone. I’m not a serial killer.
I’m a protector. A guardian of the land. A defender of the innocent.
I might need to stop hanging out with Roan though.
As she departed the two men sat down on a bench nearby and chatted with each other. I looked around, for obvious reasons. “Don’t try nothing stupid?” Scar yelled.
“What’ll you do… Kill me?” That’s when I myself realized they might not have as much power in this situation as we all thought. Based on the looks on their faces, they were putting the same thing together. “I’m gonna do what the fuck I want for the last few minutes of my life and you’re gonna fucking sit there? Unless you want me to get crafty and kill myself before your dumbass ritual.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because fuck you that’s why!”
I scooted to my feet and hopped to my left. Neither of them stood fully up, they were halfway there. “I’ll beat you to that fucking Trident thing,” I said referring to what I now remember is called a garden fork.
With my hands behind my back, I only had one move to make before they got up any second now. My threats confused them, but they were about to pounce any second.
One huge jump. As high as I could. Shoving my knees to my chest, I quickly slide my hands underneath my feet. Both goons bolted towards me.
I dashed for the garden fork. They pulled out their daggers. “Don’t kill me,” I shouted and they dropped their weapons. Despite my threat, I did not beat them to the fucking Trident thing. Scar rushed me before I reached the tools.
His body crashed into mine, but I quickly slipped my roped hands around his neck. We both slammed into the ground, but he tried to scramble out of the choke. Which was dumb, because he was on top and his friend could have hit me, but now his failed attempts to scramble left him in the choke while I rolled around to kick Toothless in the dick.
Right where Roan always told me to go.
As he keeled over I tightened my grip on Scar. The goon kept punching my guts, and it hurt, but the grip was too tight. Because I’m a bad ass. Also because of the rope.
After a while he seemed to go out, but I had to realize another way because another dick kick wasn’t an option. Then toothless began swinging with the rage of a man who had experienced the attack I had just described.
I blocked as best I could, but there was no room for punches, and he wasn’t giving me the space to kick. When he got to close I threw a few elbows, but they were awkward as hell. To avoid giving him distance, I tossed my hands over the back of his head. He threw some body shots, I slammed my knees into his gut. Holding his skull between my forearms and I used my elbows to block his shoulders from generating power into his punches.
He didn’t like mine more than I didn’t like his. With all of his might he tried to escape my grip, but all that dumb ass did was bring his head down. My left knee broke his nose. And as he flailed away my right foot caught the tip of his chin.
Down and out cold.
And then a bonk later, I was down as well. Whatever hit me knocked me out again. Only for a split second though. My eyes opened to find the frying pan, the same one as before, lying next to me. Scar shouted, “Don’t get up again. I swear to the gods.” His feet were shuffling towards me fast.
“You still haven’t explained the consequences!” I snagged the cooking utensil, and rolled back to my feet to swing at his head as he came at me, but he ducked under and tackled me again.
The pan slipped from my hands while he slammed to the ground with him on top of me. This time I couldn’t get my hands around his neck. He postured up and began raining down punches as I shucked and shook him off.
Our bodies began to roll around, before I found my chance to push away. But he didn’t let up his aggression. I had to go back to blocking punches without throwing any back. My hands went for the same grip for the knees but he shoved me off and punched me in the face.
After being knocked out twice in the last few minutes, and taking damage since then, the punch hurt. It really hurt. I was wobbling, and stumbling all about. Unable to catch my balance with my hands at all.
My frantic movements confused him, but he pounced again pretty quickly. Somehow his next punch missed, and for some reason I shoved my arms around him. Whatever my reason was, it was good because it confused the hell out of him, and he had no idea how to respond.
I managed to push my back into a wooden pillar. Once there I headbutted him. That was dumb, but I kneed him the dick. Making my friend of the sea proud once more. As he kneeled forward, I hopped on his back with a choke from behind.
He flapped about, gurgling with agony. But it didn’t matter how hard he fought. In that position it was over. He was done, and this time his friend couldn’t save him so I held the choke long after he stopped moving. I don’t know if I killed him, but he was out for a while this time. The other one was slowly starting to come back together. Though it was clearly going to take him a while.
I fucked his ass up.
To release my binds I cut the rope on one of their daggers. Having felt insecure about the whole killer thing their lives and took off after my sword. And that bitch Tali(?). Despite my insecurities I was pretty sure I was going to kill her. They were doing a job. She made it personal.
When I arrived back in The Cerberus. she was sitting right there in the same spot. Talking to some other warrior at the bar. “Excuse me!” I announced forcing her to turn around to see my bloody and bruised face. “I believe that’s mine.” My finger was furiously pointing at the weapon on her hip.
The bartender pointed at me and said, “I thought you said he finished quickly and passed out.”
Also pointing at me, the man sitting next to her asked, “Did you fuck this dude?”
“Like five minutes ago,” She lied nonchalantly. “Do you care?”
He thought for a second. I was curious about his answer so I waited for his response.
“No.”
“She had two guys with a frying pan that hit me in the head… A lot.”
The warrior looked at her with quite a bit of anger. “Is this true?”
“Well it’s not like he wasn’t into,” She countered. “Like the bartender said, he finished quickly. My methods may be unconventional but I’m obviously onto something.”
Very angrily I roared, “WE DID NOT HAVE SEX! That’s not the fucking she meant. I finished kicking her friend’s asses quickly.”
He looked to her for answers and she shrugged with just the most adorable smile. In no way resisting my story.
“You vile slut!” The warrior pulled out his sword. I don’t know why he was so mad, maybe he had other things going on. Maybe he’s one of those psychos who hates women, I don’t know his story.
There wasn’t another word from him. He just attacked her, and with my own rapier she decapitated him in the middle of The Cerberus. My sword was still in the sheath when he began his swing, and back in the sheath before his head hit the floor.
Very wisely I took a step back, “You know what, I’m looking to get a new sword anyway.”
“I’m REALLY not happy you ruined my ritual tonight?”
I just took off at that point. I didn’t care what cult she was a part of. I had no idea what God she was sacrificing me to. I was out the door in a moment. Not that I could have dreamed of escaping someone as fast as her.
I was in the middle of the road when a foot dug right into my butt. The strike didn’t land too hard, but she shoved me to the ground with it. Then she slapped me on the ass. I should have been offended. I should have.
My sword was pointing at my stomach. “You know… I really liked you.”
“Who trained you in the art of torture?” My voice cracked and squeaked. “You have a gift my deer. A bloody damn gift from Zeus himself.”
She giggled at my comment, seeming to genuinely enjoy my company until the very end. “I was just trying to pay you a compliment in your final moments.”
“You’re literally still leading me on you absolute turd.”
“No I was serious though,” She must be a master, because it sounded believable.
“This is ridiculous,” I shouted. “You’re literally saying under different circumstances… How’s that any different than… Did you make up that thing about girls and the wrong time and all that stuff earlier?”
“No, if there’s one thing you believe I promise you from the Heavens to the Earth I meant all of that sexist stuff I said,” She softly shook her head. “But I assure you, if I didn’t truly adore you. You wouldn’t have survived this long. But alas, you’ve disrespected my creed, and I can’t allow that to go unpunished.”
She gripped the blade, only to be interrupted.
“Excuse me,” The voice came like a fucking angel. Like a goddamn demon. Like a tool sent from Olympus itself to keep me alive forever. Like a weapon from hell sent to vanquish all who stand in my way. Like my gods damned best friend. “Hi I’m Syrielle, and I was sleeping at the inn over here when I heard some commotion and now I see my homeboy is in trouble and I’d like to know why you’re trying to kill him before you continue.”
“Oh…” The conwoman looked the samurai up and down. “Aren’t you adorable.”
“Don’t trust her,” I shouted. “She just said I’m adorable too.”
Both of they’re faces conjoined into the same disappointment.
With great annoyance Syrielle declared, “You are adorable.”
“He won’t believe me,” Tali whined.
“Well to be fair,” Syrielle pointed at the sword. “You’re trying to kill him.” She closed her eyes and shook her head with a deep breath, “Unfortunately like most people he doesn’t respond well you try to kill him. We’re working on it. He’s got issues.”
“I’m trying to compliment him before he dies?” Tali replied.
Syrielle shook her head at me. “You need to learn to take a compliment.”
“I was trying to fuck her before she tried to kill me.”
Finally being a good friend, besides the whole saving my life all the time thing, Syrielle’s disappointed look switched to the lying she-devil, “Well now you’re just leading him on. That’s incredibly rude of you miss. I’m gonna need to kick your ass now. He can’t do it. You’re a lady. He doesn’t stand a chance.”
“It’s a shame the gods cursed us like this,” The conwoman pointed the rapier at the samurai. “We all could have been best friends.” The worst part was she was right. Even there and then I could tell, she just went down a bad road she couldn’t come back from. On a different road, that’s my best friend. That’s our best friend.
But on her road, she tried to kill me, and there was a prodigy who in this life was actually my best friend and she was looking rather upset about it. Even though she was smiling with delight. Almost like she could tell what was about to happen just from looking at her opponent.
Their blades clanged together before I saw either of their hands move. After the first few exchanges it was obvious that the battle wasn’t going to be normal. Not for my home girl. This lady, this enamoring psychopath, was just as fast as she was.
As a natural counter striker, Syrille let her foe take the lead. But without her speed advantage to immediately end the fight, she was forced on the back foot. I wanted to get up, and help, but she would never forgive me for it.
Despite the fact that our whole squad did just get our asses kicked by one person as a team not long ago.
Also, this beef seemed personal to them. Which was dumb, because I was the one with the hurt feelings. Though the more I thought about it, Syrielle killing her might feel more validating than me doing so.
Taking her life with my own hands would have been pathetic.
But only the greatest of men can gain the allegiance of a girl like Syrielle.
The two women circled around, as my guardian refused to allow her back to a wall. She managed to turn her path into an even circle, as they both walked sideways attacking each other. Taking her off the back foot and on even ground.
I’d grown used to watching her blasting through opponent’s with blinding speed, until I saw her and everyone else I know completely outmatched. But to witness her in a more even match, actually being forced to use her footwork was incredible. Her feet barely seemed to touch the ground, it was like she was floating an inch above the dirt.
Within a moment, she was the one putting the pressure on, and Tali was on the back foot. The conwoman was panting and sweating profusely.
Syrielle backed her to a wall, forcing Tali to get overzealous. The katana smacked the rapier up in the air high, and the samurai grabbed the bitches sword hand. She brought it to her knee, knocking the sword out of Tali’s fingers, then elbowed her in the face.
The katana slipped into its sheath in an instant, and the karate master unleashed a flurry of blows upon that evil vile lying cunt. The conwoman fought back and landed punches, but it was total domination once the weapons were put away. When it was over, Tali’s face was unrecognizable. Which in all honesty, was actually more validating than Syrielle killing her.
Instead she did what she said she’d do. She kicked her ass.
When it was over and Tali laid motionless, my sensei finally turned to me, “She do that to you?”
I realized I was pretty bloodied and bruised up from my fight. “No. I didn’t know she could fight like that until like a minute ago,” I said with wide eyes. “But, I did kick two of her friend’s asses with rope tied around my hands.” When she looked at me proudly I couldn’t help but add, “So technically I’m up one over you on this adventure.”
“You’re also down one,” She pointed at the unconscious woman I was still oddly attracted to. “Actually down two since she also kicked your ass afterwards.”
“That…” It was infuriating to me that she would joke about that. “That is not fair. She was a conwoman. She set me up and she’s skilled. And I was already beat up from the first fight.”
My words did not help my case in her eyes. She was only more disappointed. “You fell for a con artist. How easy are you to fool?”
“That’s not fair,” My anxiety was growing and I needed to win this argument, having felt like the one L was closer to ten. “She heard me talking about Kara, and she agreed that women are stupid.”
At no point in our relationship, had I ever seen a face of chagrin and dismay than the one she gave me in that very moment, “Did you just try to justify what a loser you are by admitting you fell for a pick me girl?”
“SHE WAS MAKING REALLY GOOD ARGUMENTS!”